Dear Duncs, aged 13
You have withdrawn from your peers, the internal crisis of a broken family, the shame of it to much to share, then an offer to get drunk, a bottle of thunderbird, getting served in the off licence.
Then returning and buying alcohol for the others not brave enough to try their own luck of being served for the fear of the shame it would bring to be refused.
A new status born, you consumed the whole bottle, missed a golf tournament the following day, the ramifications harsh from your father, but numbed by the feeling created.
This became the normal, buying alcohol when your peers brought sweets and pop, living in the haze it created brought a new persona.
Aged 15, you’re now a regular in the pub, fighting often with the elder men who chastised you for drinking too much too young.
Life seemed better through the bottom of a glass, the haze took away the sense of worthlessness, the shame you carried, the trauma you lived through.
School wasn’t important, life wasn’t important, drinking and the drug taking which you graduated to fill the void, it was your purpose for living, it dissolved the feeling of no self worth.
On your 18th birthday you were arrested and spent a night in the cells, it was the status you had given yourself. To be drunk, reckless, aggressive, had given you a mask to hide the pain you carried.
I wish I could talk with you now.
wish I could share with you the knowledge that it’s ok to not be ok. I wish you could understand that every time you had an alcoholic drink you didn’t need to drink until you were drunk.
I wish you would have lived your childhood without the alcohol playing such a huge role, to have waited until your mind was matured and not effected so greatly by your consumption.
You walked into your first professional kitchen not long before that 18th birthday and without doubt the kitchen culture of the 1990’s enabled your drinking/drug consumption to become the normal for the next 25 years and more, it was often seen as a badge of honour that you were able to have been so drunk after service that you managed to get through the next days work.
Business owners enabled, encouraged the behaviour, so long as the business needs were met.
The choices you made were to have a huge impact on your health in your 40’s I wish with hindsight you had been able to talk with yourself with the knowledge I have today with regards to the impact your consumption would bring.
I have lived with sobriety being the most important choice I make everyday for some time now, I accept the outcome, the brutal impact alcohol has left on my life physically and mentally.
My wish is for the next generation of hospitality professionals to be given the opportunity to have a greater understanding and education of the importance of their own wellbeing. Because I have had an amazing life as a result of my life in professional kitchens, truthfully the structure and strength they have given have without doubt saved me from myself.
Duncs - Recovering alcoholic, last drink 31/01/2020.
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